Adam's Story Cont.

I remember the day before we crossed, we were on the border of Kuwait, and I was huddled in a group around my fellow soldier's. At that point there was nothing left to do. The inevitable was near, and all we were able to do was simply pray. Pray for the safety of those around us, for the expedient resolution of the conflict, that we would come home alive. Most of us had never done this before, and as much as we tried to ignore the emotion, there was still a deep sense of fear in the back of many of our minds.
Nevertheless, we crossed the border, and conducted our mission. I saw things out there that I never in my lifetime expected to see. To this day, many of these horrifying images still stick with me, and perhaps will for the rest of my life.
I also saw acts of misconduct; many acts of cruelty;specifically the abuse of children, unbecoming of "honorable American Soldiers". For instance, I saw NCO's firing enemy-confiscated 40mmCS Grenades (how were they even sure it was actually CS and not Mustard Gas)? at children. I brought this to my officers attention and was shot down.
he told me that nothing in the Geneva Conventions said that was wrong. And it didn't seem immoral at all. I was then attacked on my guard post with those same CS Grenades, by that same NCO, supposedlyon the same side as me, for telling on him. I brought this to my BMO's attention, and he told me that it was good training. Never mind the fact that it was not expected, and could've quite reasonably been an attack on our position, which could have caused unnecessary loss of American Life, had I reacted before accessing the situation. However, I continued my missions. I had a deep sense of grief of what I saw, and was sickened by the fact that I was powerless to stop it. Yet, I continued on.

In the last months of my tour in Iraq, and during the recovery operations in Kuwait before returning to the states, I began to gradually fall into severe depression. I had considered taking my life out there a few times. I believe much of this was caused by the amount of death I saw, the body parts scattered all over the place, the knowledge of the abuse of our power in a foreign country, and the knowledge of all those innocent dead.

I returned to the states in August, I believe it was. I tried to put these thoughts behind me, but they kept coming back. The depression was getting worse, and it was getting to the point where I wasn't functioning effectively as a soldier anymore. The suicidal thoughts continued, and grew in intensity and were coming more frequently. I was having continous dreams of drowning in a pool of blood with Iraqi children clawing at me, calling me a murderer. On average I was, and still am getting about 3 hours of sleep a night. I got to a point where I realized I couldn't handle it by myself anymore. I spoke to my supervisors at work, and I asked them for help. I was told that I was fine, and the feelings were normal, and that I should get back to work. The suicidal feelings were starting to scare me, and I knew they weren't normal. I started to take proactive measures to get the help I needed, and went to speak to the PA at the medical center. He referred me to a counselor atthe hospitol here on post. I began seeing him. One day one of my supervisors came up to me, and told me to grab my gear, because he was sending me to the live-fire range. I asked to speak to him private, and explained to him that at my current mental state, I did not feel that it was a good idea for me to have acess to weapons, as I didn't feel safe in doing so. He explained to me that I was a soldier, and that he expected me to do the right thing as such, and not do anything at the range to embarrass him.
I was then again directed to grab my gear and get on the truck to the range.
I proceeded to the company,and was stopped by an NCO that I know well. He asked me what was going on and why I seemed so down lately. I explained the entire situation to him and he told me it was a very serious condition that shouldn't have been ignored so long. He promised to help me find assistance. He brought me to the Company Commander and 1st Sergeant, and we spoke. After speaking to my leaders, I decided to check myself into the in-patient psychiatry ward at the hospitol for help.