I have had a few emails regarding when the book I am working on will be released. Here is the low down.
I have been giving two years to complete it in it's entirety. Actually less than that now, considering the proposition was laid on the table a few months ago. Completing this, as i have said before, i have found to be NOT easy. Once it is completed, it will then be submitted for a total re-view which may mean more rewriting, then once accepted I get paid.
I am always rewriting because I do want to be very careful in what I have to say. Yes, it's my life, my story, but other people's feelings and lives are involved as well. Plus, It's finding and making the time to sit down and do it.
I go to Narcotic Anonymous meetings, am on the seat for two charities that are here on The Shore,keeping a house and a home,Plus a husband,friends and family happy. Not to mean a very demanding child (Yes..my CAT Black Velvet I consider my child, so whatever).
Mark will be going out of town the first weekend in April for a confernce in Baltimore,MD, so I will be here alone (except for the Cat...or chid rather), so I plan on diving head first into the writing.
I have completed,what I consider to be, atleast 5 chapters. So, my goal before July is atleast three to four more chapter's of completion.
So, I appreciate everyones anticipation and all. It means alot to me. So, for all my friends, here is another sneak peak.

*Regarding Stephen and I*

My family life taught me that reconciliation wasn't possible in life, only confrontation. At the time Stephen and I were together, I didn't know how personal or working relationships could survive when people disagreed or argued because my role models hadn't taught me how. I didn't want confrontation but it seemed inevitable if there was any sort of problem because I had no idea how to discuss things constructively.

All my life I feel that I have been living two lives. That of Harry and the other of Ronnie. These are two very different people. Harry, the professional nurse whom everyone loved,respected and was in total control of his work. Ronnie, on the other hand, was the scared kid, who never knew where to turn, felt alone and depended on no one but himself. The life of the party who would try anything once and couldn't wait for life to finally be over.

I was not ready to take the plunge in admitting that I had an addiction. I was enjoying the ride. I certainly wasn't ready to be confronted by Stephen with it. Basically, I was in denial. I thought I could handle it. I had to handle everything else on my own growing up, so this, I thought, to be no different. When i was ready I would stop. At this time I was not ready to do that.
So, from fear, my instincts told me to make a move. Rather than sit down and talk about things I had cried and bawled like a baby and thrown my toys out of the play pen. Sometimes, to feel in control IS to take action, whether that is spoiling a relationship or finishing a relationship. It's not about the quality of that relationship or whether it needs to end or not,it's about regaining some control of sorts. And since deep down I knew I could not control my addiction, I attempted to believe that I could control his and mine relationship. And that is exactly what I had done. So, in some way, my departure was done because of my sometimes destructive attempts to keep control at any price.
My leaving Stephen was sudden and the timing was far from ideal. Stephen had giving to me and shown me nothing but understanding and love, we had just moved into a home together. My family and his, still in the dark about my drug use speculated that I was evidently having an affair. This was far from the truth. Basically, I was horrified at the fact my secret had now been exposed and Stephen knew. I could rationalize and reason but the fact is I did a runner. And I'm not proud about that at all.

As with any relationship it wasn't just the breaking up that was hard to do------the aftermath was pretty painful too. It felt as if a part of me had been removed. like an arm or a leg chopped off,because Stephen had been such a major figure/person in my life for many years. Something magical had ended and I felt a tremendous sense of loss as I am sure he did as well. I knew that I had made it happen and ended it myself but that didn't stop me from missing him. His kiss, his touch, the feel of his body, his smile, his laughter, his smell.

A few days after I had left Stephen, I had driven to his work. It was nearly time for him to be leaving and I sat in the parking lot and watched him emerge from the store and walk to his truck. He looked solemn and his head was down. I wanted to jump out of my truck and run to him and fall into his arms. But, I couldn't bring myself to do it. He got into his truck and left and I sat there behind my steering wheel and watched him leave until I could no longer see his vehicle driving down the road. I cried and knew that I had to go down this road alone. This was my fight....not his.

"If I could come back as anything it would be as one of your tears. How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart,born in your eyes,live on your cheeks and die on your lips"................