Stephen's Interview Cont.

Me: That's exactly why I thought having this interview with you would be great. People don't really know your side of things. Everyone interprets things in their own way....and like I've said before....Everybody's truth is different.

Stephen: Not only that, but everyone feels love differently I think. For instance, when you and I were in our relationship, we were committed for what......five years?

Me: Yes, roughly five years.

Stephen: Ok...well, the traits you possessed that I fell in love with weren't the same traits that I possessed that YOU fell in love with. What made me love you and you love me did not consist of the same things. So, everyone's love is different.

Me: What caused you to fall in love with me?

Stephen: Well, many things. When I first saw you, you were with some friends of yours. And I watched how well you all "meshed"...I have never had friends like that. I remember hearing and seeing you laugh and I couldn't turn my eyes away from you. I knew instantly that I HAD to get to know you somehow. Your broad shoulders, devilish"ily" handsome face and then when I finally gathered up enough nerve to come up to you.... I looked into those gorgeous green eyes of yours. My heart melted. I even felt those school boy "butterflys" in my stomach. You know the kind I am talking about. When you were in school and saw someone that you were attracted to but not sure how to act or what to say. I was a bundle of nerves that night. (Laughing)
I totally believe in love at first sight....and that night...I knew it to be true. After talking with you and then later, going out on a few dates with you, It didn't take me long to realize that I had to have you in my life forever and I also came to learn that you were also a wild spirit, and I REALLY like someone who has that spontaneity trait . I LOVE that. You get a wild hair across your ass and you just Go. You do it. Fuck the consequences. You will deal with them later. You lived in the moment.
Hell, I was clueless that you even had an addiction. You hid it well. It was towards the end of our relationship that I actually had confirmation of what you were doing. I never once saw you take anything. Many people may have a hard time believing that, But I SWEAR it to be true. Then later you began "Missing" for days, and then late night/early morning phone calls from you began..... asking me to come and pick you up. And I would....and when i would arrive to where your directions led me...I couldn't fucking believe it....these places were some of the worst piss hole areas I have ever been to or even seen.

Me: You have said to me that you wish you had come after me that last time I left.

Stephen: I REALLY wish I had. I think if i forced you to take a long look at yourself and committed you myself to a detox facility we probably would still be together. But, there was also a part of me that loved you enough to let you go. I never even dated anyone or accepted invitation to dates from anyone for a very long time after we spilt. I am talking atleast two years. I still felt as though i were cheating on you.

Me: Stephen, when someone has a narcotic habit, no one can make them or force them to do anything that they do not or are not ready to do. Especially when it's their whole life. Something they do everyday for years. I think another huge misconception is that people who have never expierenced that type of situation personally always say.....The drugs didnt make them act that way or say those things and in truth.... that is not totally true, or even fair to say if you have never had the problem. These are mind altering, physically dependant drugs. It's absurd to say they do not even remotely have an effect on a person physically or mentally. Thats why most prescription bottles have those warning labels. But, in retrospect, I also think that one has to own up to assuming a great deal of responsibility for those actions because no one MADE you swallow the pill or inject the drug. When you agreed to take it...you agreed to the reprecussions as well. So, it works both ways. It's easy for people to say they would never allow themselves to succumb to such a thing as drug addiction but hell I never thought I would either. I became what I SWORE I would never become.

Stephen: I agree.
Like i said I had no idea that you even had a habit until later into our relationship. Yeahs, you were fucking moody as hell and slept most of the daytime hours away but i knew that to be from the start of our relationship. I just thought that was the way you were. I didn't find it unordinary for you because that's what I knew to be initially.
I can remember when I first became suspicious of you having a problem. I remember finding this tall ass unlabeled pill bottle filled to the top with these white pills one day as I was putting your clothes away. I opened the bottle and took one of the pills out and saw the word "Vicodin" etched into it. I knew that no normal person expierencing pain would EVER be given a prescription for this quantity of pain pills from a physician.
But I didn't confront you then, instead I decided to watched that pill bottle everyday and then seen how the pills were rapidly disappearing. I knew then something was not right. It all made sense to me then...even the new "friends" you began hanging out with...........I have one question for you that I want an honest answer for ok?

Me: O.K.

Stephen: Were you ever as in love with me as I was with you?

Me: Yes. Without a doubt.... I can answer that question that quickly. I loved you more than I loved myself

Stephen: Then why did you leave me?

Me: Because I was so caught up in the game of it all. I was still very immature and selfish. I had never even been in a serious relationship with anyone before. I wasn't thinking of anyone or anything except myself. That wasn't fair to you. I knew I had a problem but wasnt ready to do anything about it and I loved you so much I couldnt bring you down with me. I was still a kid in most ways, I guess..... But I have only loved one other man the same way I loved you.

Stephen: Mark?

Me: Yes.

Stephen: I can totally see that. I feel the same way now with my fiance'. I have accepted that you and I were not meant to share our lives together romantically. What we have now is so much different than when we were together. I wouldn't trade that for anything. I do still love you..... I will never deny that. You can't deny that and still say your being honest with yourself...because for me it would be a lie.

Me: Re' and I talked about this some time back and she made a very valid point when she said something to the fact of that you will always have feelings for that first great love affair you expierence in life. It was your begining and now, at the place you and I are at, with having new love interests and partners it's the end. All the guys i have dated in between that time span cloud my memory, but you never forget that first and last love. Without them you wouldnt be who you are today.

Stephen: So, all the things you are going to place into your book that pertain to me will be nice right???? (Laughing)

Me: You know I can't talk about that. (Laughing) What I can say is that I would NEVER EVER hurt you with anything I have to say. I have taken great care in writing about that portion of my life with you. I wouldn't trade those years with you for anything in this world. I will always love you.

Stephen: And I will always love you Ronnie...you have a special place right here (Hitting his chest).