Picking Up

Sorry for the half hearted post on Saturday.

I am the sort who never lets anything that anyone says to me really get to me. But, it is different when it comes from family. Those who know you the most...hurt you the most it seems. Or, they atleast know how to do just that. I think there is a Reba McEntire lyric that says "Funny how people so close....know the things to say that can hurt the most."

For some time now, I have had people email me who have vistited my blog. Some are from those who are recovering addicts themselves. Some, from people who are taking *Trim Spa and found my blog by supersearching that. They have all asked me questions...and I am so terrible with responding to emails. So I apologize for that.
So, here now are the answers to some of those questions. I will answer some more next time.

1. How long did it take for narcotic cravings to go away??

They haven't ever totally went away. I don't think they ever do. Its a day to day struggle.
Some days are better than others. But, what is important is how you deal with the desire to relapse. I have to remind myself how far I have come, How my life was before getting clean...and that there are alot of people who are counting on me to remain clean. I have a great life at the moment and I never forget how hard i worked for it and at it.

2. Are you afraid of anything?

Oh,sure I am. I've got a lot of fears. One of my daily jobs is to conquer my fears. We all have fears and insecurities. If we said we didn't we would be lying. One major problem I have always had is that when something good comes along...I somehow, intentionally attempt to destroy it or test the boundaries of it. How far can I go before someone says "Ok....that's enough."

3. When was your waking up moment,so to speak,when you realized you desired to get clean.

It was when I was dating my ex boyfriend Tom. Relationship wise we both knew in our hearts that we weren't compatiable I think. But, I was amazed,intrigued,taken a back at how his outlook on life is. Everyday he arose wanting to expierence things outside of the bedroom while I struggled to basically get out of the bed everyday. I wanted to attaine that sense of adventure. Part of me remembered having that and how great it felt. My life was basically going nowhere. I was seeing two guys at the same time. One of them I didnt want to hurt. The other, Mark, I was truly begining to fall in love with. I knew I had a great opportunity knocking at my door...and If I didnt just go ahead and do it {get clean} I would never be given that opportunity again. I wanted an understanding of my place in the world. I didn't feel in control of my life.

4. What has been your proudest moment? What has been your bravest moment?

Definately meeting and finding Mark. I think we are taught to be like conditioned machines with relationships. We get into a relationship and think,"Oh, I really love this person, but we always expect something in return. And if he or she doesn't live up to our expectations, we're like, "That's it, I'm checking you off of my list." Everything is conditional. You give me this, I'll give you that. In the begining while dating Mark that is how I ran my life,sadly. I expected Mark to fit into a mold and to do certain things. When he didn't do those things, I got disappointed. Then I relaized that he is who he is. I had to learn to love him for who he is, and vice versa.
For me, to be brave is to love someone unconditionally,without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage,because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.

5. Are there any techniques or aversions you use when you feel as though you might relapse?

I've learned to make it work for me. I've taken that longing,that desire,that yearning and I've turned it outward. I have become insatiable for knowledge. Im looking to fill myself up now in that positive aspect instead of the negative.
Plus, I have really GREAT friends. I surround myself with only positive people now. If someone is negative ALL the time. It simply drowns you and pulls you in. I cant be bothered with that.

6. What's one thing people misunderstand about you?

Some believe that I don't care what others think. There is a part of me that is as tough as nails. Growng up, in the conditions that I was surrounded with, I HAD to be. But there is also a side to me that is fragile. Im not as hard as everyone thinks I am.

7. What do you know for certain about life now that you didnt 10 years ago?

That my husband is my soul mate. That I am going to see my grandmother again someday. That there are no mistakes or accidents. That consciousness is everything and that all things begin with a thought. We are responsible for our own fate, we reap what we sow,we get what we give, we pull in what we put out.....These things I know for certain.