An old diary entry of mine I thought I would share. Finding it and reading it now....I was totally amazed. It was as if I KNEW what my future was soon to become and how I was preparing myself.

Sept 3rd, 2002

Dating is so difficult. Sometimes, I am the life of the party and sometimes I simply want to disappear. I truly do find it difficult holding a lengthy conversation with a man. Why???? Well, I have had what you would call an "AHA Moment" (Thanks Oprah), it came to me while lying here in bed. The guy was as sweet as could be...but tonights date simply put....was DISASTRIOUS. Nothing on his part....all the blame goes to me. He would talk endlessly and I would never even comment.
Which brings me back to my point....Why Can't I Have A Normal Lengthy Intelligent Conversation With A Guy???? My "AHA Moment" clarrified it for me. As a child, your father is the first male figure that you encounter on a day to day basis normally. You interact with him, talk, laugh, he holds you when you are hurt etc etc. That's what Fathers do. Or are suppose to do.
In my case, my initial male role model/conversationilist didn't have time for me. Leaving me feeling lost, angry, hurt and making it clear to me that men, or man can be cruel creatures.
So, I would turn to my mother or grandmother. In doing this though,strengthing my female bonding/interaction I was unknowingly weakening my counterpart of male bonding.
So, not being able to say or participate in anything with my dad, has in some sense set me up for not being able to do well with men in general.
The off set though is, with being molested, I did a very damaging thing and made myself believe that I can get anything from a man if I simply give him sex. Sad, truly trluy sad. Lying is bad enough....BUT Lying To MYSELF!!! That's the worst.
I am going to find the man of my dreams one day. I just know it. I can feel it. I am going to disregard what that psychic lady told me a few months back, that being "I won't find true love until I am in my Late Forties." NO...I won't believe that. I refuse.
So, here is my list of "Qualities I am seeking in a man."

1: He has to love his mother.....but the umbilical cord has to have been severed.
2: Dependable
3: Trustworthy, Kind and Thoughtful.
4: Same wavelength
5: Handsome
6: Funny, Good sense of humour
7: Affectionate, loving, expressive
8: Likes kissing and sex
9: Grounded, but romantic
10: Healthy
11: Loyal and Monogamous
12: Able to afford first class travel
13: Generous and caring
14: Has free time to be with me
15: Looks after me when I am sick, brings me soup, holds me, supports me
16: Age between 30 and 40
17: Likes my cat and my cat likes him (True test here, if Velvet attacks the guy,something is wrong with him. Animals sense those things.
18: Accepts me for who I am
19: Accepts me and loves me regardless of my body size~~~fat or thin
20: Has faith in GOD
21: Wants commitment
22: Is honest and upfront
23: Admires me, respects me
24: Who can be my best friend and is someone who my friends enjoy.
25: Sensitive AND sensible

Of course this is a generalization~~~ I am open to exceptions to the rules. I am prepared to be flexible!!!! I must really learn to COMPROMISE. But, how does one do that without settling? But still......I would rather be alone than in "Bad Company." Well, I have written two pages for tonights entry. It is time for bed. 'Night,