Ronnie-VS-The Gym

I pull up into the parking lot of the gym. Getting out of my jeep, I walk to the front door. Staring now into the glass door, I see myself. I look like the god damn Tweety Bird from *Looney Toons. I silently begin to kick myself in the ass for purchasing a "work out outfit" consisting of matching *Nike shirt.shorts and hat set. Clearly way too much yellow. I sigh and remind myself to STAY POSITIVE.
I check in at the front desk and venture into the cardio station. I spot an unoccupied treadmill. So, I set my bag down, turn the machine on and begin my work out. From my machine I have a FANTASTIC view. I can see directly into the MENS Weight/Workout room.....Oh SHUT UP, I am married NOT dead!!!! I smile up at the heavens and give a silent "thank you" for the inspiration layed before me. Soon, a middle aged, attractive woman sets up station at the treadmill next to mine. She,for some reason, feels compelled to start a conversation.

Woman: Hey---How Are You! (Chewing gum and smiling)

Me: Hi. I'm good thanks.

Woman: Look at that view!! Sweaty guys in wife beater tanks lifting all that metal. Do you lift weights at all?

Me: (Laughing) No.

Woman: You got GREAT legs. Very muscular.

Me: Uhhhh....thanks? ( I turn my attention back to the guys in the weight room)

Woman: Oh, don't be shy (Smiling), you can look at me when I talk to you.

Me: That's ok----I appreciate the compliment. I'm just trying to enjoy the same "View" you noticed a bit ago directly in front of us.(Nodding my head to the guys in the weight room)

Woman: OHHH!?!?!?! So you're gay? How come you have a wedding ring on?

Me: Because I am married.

Woman: And your wife thinks it's ok? You know, liking guys.

Me: No...but my husband does (rolling my eyes)

Woman: (Chuckles) and finally shuts the fuck up.

I then begin to think "WHY" I always find myself in such peculiar situations. I have now decided from here on out,while at the gym, I am going to act as if I am a deaf/mute individual. When someone desires to talk in my direction, I am going to stare them directly in the eye and begin using sign language. Anyway, after my work out, I hop into my jeep and begin my journey home, gripping the steering wheel tightly as I force my eyes closed with every passing of a Fried Chicken Fast Food Joint.