Who In The World THINKS This Way?

One of my favorite things to do is to read magazines. I love them. OPRAH magazine is my favorite but I love the usual cheap "in front of the check out line" magazine. You know the ones I am talking about....the ones who have "How To" atleast twice on their cover ranging in various topics. "How To Sexually Stimulate Your Husband" "How To Find His/Her Erogenous Zone." "How To Lose 10 pounds By ThanksGiving." Well...a particular Gay Magazine had a "How To" section in their magazine on finding Love. After reading this poor saps' suggestions I thank goddess that I don't have to try this "How To" shit he prescribed. To those who ARE single.....don't try these. They are too ridiculous.

He suggests to go to a BAR. Yeah, I know...like WHO can find true ever lasting love at a bar. Anyway go to a bar and do the following

#1. Walk in, scout the place and choose your territory.

My response to this is as follows: He makes this sound like an episode of NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC...where the male walks around the woods, cocks his leg up and "marks" his territory.

#2: Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

My response: You are opening yourself up for a lot of failure here. The one thing that makes me entirely comfortable is walking around without socks and shoes buck balled free jonesing naked.....is this acceptable? Didn't think so.

#3:Emphasize your good points and stop thinking about your less attractive ones.

My response: Good lord NO!!! Never forget your UNattractive points...the last thing i'd want is for some rotten toothed hillbilly up and smiling in my face, when he should have remembered his unattractive teeth.

#4: Wear your contacts or glasses.

My response: I have to agree with this one. I love a guy with glasses. Plus, I want his blind ass to see where he's walking to AND from.

#5: Be distinctive. Don't dress like everyone else.

My response: This just opens the door up for bad neck ties and polyester.

#6:If you haven't learned how to enjoy flirting by now, here's your chance. Go For it.

My response: Make sure the guy with the pretty girl you are flirting with is NOT her boyfriend who is there to show support for her and her gay friends. Or, begin flirting with that sexy guy who has the five o'clock shadow and the bus ticket in his back pocket stamped with a departure of "_______ State Prison".

#7:Circulate, but not so much that you can't be landed and always return to your territory

My response: What if my fat ass was attempting to GET AWAY from the psycho who picked up my "territory marked scent". Other readers who've read this article may just think I was "circulating". Note: If you see me circulating.......STAY AWAY

#8:If you see something that makes your heart go bounce, go for it.

My response: See # 6.