From nothing......To something

I was 23 years old and was living life. I mean REALLY living it. Party's, drugs,clubs and on occassion, selling myself for my next fix. The group of "Friends" I had at that particular time were not the greatest. But, i firmly believe that none of it falls onto the company you keep when you are at that level because god knows they can't help you when they can't even help themselves. Being a whore at that time is not something that i am proud of. I did it. Can't erase it. It was my decision. I remember when my friend Eddie and I first tried it. We stood out on OceanView in Norfolk, Virginia. Scared as hell but figured we had each other so all would be well. When a car full of guys drove by and whistled and shit we waved. When they turned around to come back we got scared and ran. But, that one time set it up for us. We didn't stand out on the street anymore but figured if we didn't have the money to pay for Coke and pills we could offer an exchange to the dealers.
One of the dealers was a big,acne faced Latino. Deep voice, huge arms and was called "Ban Slam". Don't ask me how he got this name cause I have no earthly idea. The other guy was a muscular,skinhead guy who everyone called "Brick Man." Most of our group was afraid to even go to the back street of OceanView and knock on their doors and ask for drugs. Not me and Eddie. We would go...but only in duo form. I remember the first time we went there and didn't have any money. We both knew what we would have to offer in order to get our fix. Eddie had began having facial and arm twitches from withdrawals. I just felt greatly ill. When we knocked on the door, "Ban Slam" answered and led us in. I had told Eddie to just let me do the talking. Once in the living room, "Brick Man" was sitting on the couch. I told them both that Eddie and I didn't have any money BUT we needed something. I was feeling ill and Eddie was already starting to have withdrawals. If they gave us just enough to get by....We would do whatever they wanted. We would suck them off together or seperately and if they wanted to they could F**K us. They agreed.
Eventually, Eddie and I spent a few nights on Blow Street, in Ghent, Norfolk,V.A. Sitting on the steps of this church and waving to guys as they cruised. At one point in time we went from getting in the car with them and leaving to just having sex with them in the graveyard of the church.
I wish that i could remember what it was that eventually took hold of me with my addiction that led me so far down that path. But, I cant. I had a great boyfriend at that time, Stephen, who would have given me the world. A great looking guy who worked hard and loved me. But all of that didn't matter. I had gotten a taste of the "Devils Poison" as i call it and NOTHING seemed to matter.
If it's one thing that i hope for it is this. That someone who is on the same destructive path that i was will read this and learn from it. I am one of the lucky ones. I managed to escape contracting HIV through willing participating in unprotected, meaningless and often nameless sex acts. I have found the man of my dreams, who knows all about my past and accepts it and still loves me and for once, I am looking forward to a bright future.
I will be the first to tell you. Detoxing is NOT easy. My first detox treatment was at a facility. i didnt want to be there, but my family gave me an alternative. I relapsed like two months after being released. I relapsed because i had gotten clean for all the wrong reasons. I didnt do it for MYSELF. The second time i detoxed was nearly one year ago. This time I did it for myself and have been clean ever since. I went and stayed with family and just bit the bullet. There were some rough spots, but not nearly as rough as i thought it would have been. I kept a strong mind and threw my entire being into it. I have often said this and i will say it again. I would have not gotten clean had it not been for my then boyfriend Tom. He reminded me of what it means to be a good person. Alot of things has happened to us after that and we eventually parted ways, but one thing that can not be taken from him is that he does have a heart of gold. I said and did alot of cruel hateful things to him and i invaded something personal to him that i shouldn't have. I regret it and am sorry now, but maybe one day him and I will be able to sit down and talk. I do wish him the very best with anything and everything that he sets out to do.

So, as i look forward to my new life in 10 days, i have all of my past to reflect back on. Who I was and what i have become. If i had to do it all over again, i dont think that i would change a thing. It has all made me the person that I am today. Eddie is clean and happy, he has settled into a wonderful relationship as well. Though he lives miles away from me we still talk atleast once a week. He will be here on the 14th to join me in this next step of my life. During our phone conversation three nights ago, Eddie told me. "Ronnie....can you actually believe we made it past thirty years old?" I told him "Do you remember the point in time when we actually didn't want to?"
*Note: Eddie is not the actual name of my friend*