The Cake Has Been Cut, Everyone Has Gone Home, The House Now Smells Of Sex And I'm Another Year Older

The whole "Birthday Celebration" has now passed until next year. In a way I am really happy it's over. Every year i dread birthday parties actually. It's not that i do not enjoy friends and family because god knows i do. I hate all the attention it involves. I hate being the center of something. I am one of those who prefer to be on the sidelines looking in at someone else enjoying the party. For this birthday, i even went as far as having a special cake made for my party. A cake specifically for my nephew and my neice. Next to my cake that my mother made, was their cake. Their cake read "Glad To Be YOUR Unc." Cheesy??? Maybe. Did they enjoy it? Hell yeah. And that cake made them feel like it was THEIR celebration. Which was the purest joy for me. My parents and my sisters feel that sometimes I may go overboard with the kids. I remind them to just shut the hell up because they are the closest I will ever come to having any children of my own.

i got some really great gifts. The kids gave me this beautiful ceramic angel whos wings are enveloping two children that also functions as a night lite. My parents gave me money for cigarettes because they actually refuse to buy them. LOL. My sister gave me The Charlies Angels First Season On DVD Collection, Mark gave me a gorgeous flower arrangement and some home made "Kootchie Coupons" that he made. Which is really ingenious because each coupon is worth an act of sex w/ him. I give him a coupon and cash it in. LMAO. Of course, this was all in fun. The best gift from him was a 4 page letter from the heart that he wrote for me. They are the best gifts i think. Something that is "Home made" and comes from the heart. It clearly shows the time you put into a gift instead of the usual/ occassional store brought item.

Everyone knows that every year before my birthday i get a little "down in the dumps." I am not unbearable or bitchy about it, just quiet and to myself. Of course, some of it has to to do with getting another year older. Mostly it is the missing of my grandmother and wishing she could be here. BUT.....that all passed today because last night i had the most wonderful dream. I dreamt i was driving up to her house. Of course, now it is completely abandoned and ran down. But i dreamt, i was driving up the dirt road that lead their. I knocked on the door, no one answered. So, i went in. In the living room, i saw her back too, sitting in the rocking chair, looking out the window. I said "Grandma....is that you?" She said "Yes, Doodlebug, I was wondering when you were going to come and visit me again." I ran up to her and faced her. I got down on my knees and laid my head into her lap. She rubbed my head for a moment and had me look up at her. She said "I miss you soo much." Choking and crying I sobbed "I miss you too, Grandma. But how can you be here? You are dead?" She said to me "Sit up here on my lap for a minute." So I did. She rocked with me in her lap and said "You have someone in your life now that I am totally assured loves you. I led him to you and i want you to put all of your heart into this committment that you are about to make with him. As you have grown into a man, i have watched over you every step of the way. I have seen you in your darkest moments, i walked you back to the light. I have seen you in your happiest moments and these are those times. I want you to smile, hold your head high and be proud. There is a part of you that is very weak, everyone is in some way or another, BUT i have also seen your will and that part of you that is as strong as nails. I am very proud of you.....and I am waiting for you when that time comes when you can stay with me forever. Have a Happy Birthday, Doodlebug." It was all so real to me. Her touch, Her smell. Everything.

Then i awoke. I thought about telling my mother this morning when she called about the dream. But, i decided not too. I think it will only make her sad and today was just as much her day as it was mine. If not more. Mark is in bed sleeping. Tired form the "Kootchie Coupon I cashed in after every left. I made him do a strip dance tease to "DIRRTY" by Christina Augilera. HILARIOUS!!! I should have recorded it on tape so that I could torture him with it later. LOL.

Well enough rambling. I am going to shower and crawl into bed myself. Turning 31 wasn't all THAT bad. Good Nite everyone.