Something I felt I had to say and share. I have never been more afraid in my life than when I decided to get clean and clear my conscious from any guilt I had. I knew that many people were against me and truly did not believe that I would succeed. I knew that I was walking into dangerous territory....physically and otherwise.
But I went into the unknown anyway. Although I was scared, I knew that I had to this. I had to decide if my life was worth fighting and if the happy future I envisioned for myself could become a reality. I trusted that if even if I proved nothing to anyone else, I would and could prove something to myself. That I am a fighter. A survivor. I had to do what I believed.
I trust that everything happens for a reason,even if we are not wise enough to see it or when it is not readily apparent.
So, whenever trouble comes my way, I ask,"What is this here to teach me? What am I not seeing?" I trust the answer will come.
Not so very long ago, my father and I got into a heated confrontation. Something from my past arised and he confronted me. I had done something many years ago that betrayed him. I am not getting into the actual details, but I will say that what I did could have put me into prison for a few years. Anway,the longer the argument ensued the louder and louder his voice rose. The louder he yelled, the calmer I became.
I got very still inside and said to myself, "This is not who I am." In that moment the answer I have known all along though never realzed until that moment I realized that whenever you feel difficult,pain,illness,heartache...the trial of life stands outside of you,flailing,ranting and raging,trying to tell you who you are.
All of lifes troubles force the question,who are you really? And you must trust yourself to find the answer. It's up to each of us to get very still and say,"This is who I am." No one else defines your life. Only you do. With that insight,mine and my fathers argument was over for me. It no longer mattered to me how horrible he saw me. And as far as I was concerned I had been forgiven.
My father listened to me. He then began to understand that who I was then was not who I was now. I made restitution to him and asked for a majoe favor. To atleast be forgiven. Forgivness does not come easy for my father, but he gave that to me.
I trust that life is bigger than what I can see. I trust that there is a divine order beyond my control
And I trust that no matter what happens, I will be alright.